The Sacrosanct Memoirs of a Withering Heart
by Farah Myzura

(1,831 words)
With care, the white envelope exchanged hands. James felt a cold taint on his cheek. His long fingers shivered as he flipped the creased opening. "She only left this for you"

He heard the words faintly spread from Rene's mouth. A year ago, a rhapsodic smile embraced those lips. Now it stammered with deep melancholiness. Who was he to seize all that ache away.

"I'd better go. Carl is waiting in the car. Her last words were of you."
A breeze swept through as he watched her hastily pace towards a black automobile. The skies were grey with morose. James laid low on his knees, onto the grass. As he roared a long sigh of disbelief, an assembly of pigeons flapped through the air, ripping the calmness of the afternoon. Hands clasped to his chest and the letter in between, he wailed...
"NOOoooo...."

A year ago...

She dialed the familiar numbers. A loud beep came blaring through the miniature speakers of her mobile phone.
"Damn!...no coverage." she cursed.
Her mind beckon a decent phone call to be made. It had to come through. She was bored waiting. The Arrival Hall was packed. She gave a dim smile to a man next to her.
"That's queer. Adopted I presume" she said to herself as she inspected the three year old with distinctive Asian features who was busy climbing the cushions. Chinese, Korean or maybe Vietnamese, she concepted.
"They've screwed up the arrival times again."
The words came as a sudden from the man's mouth. Flora turned her head. A dim smile again, was given.
"The flight you are waiting is late?" she inquired.
"Yes. And they do not know what time it is brought forward to." he answered with a deep French accent.
"Which flight are you waiting for?" he spoke again.
"Thai Silk."she sighed.
"Relatives for Christmas?"

Flora pondered for a while at his interrogation. What definition could she give. Maybe a long discussion over Christmas or New Year with James would soothe her heart. She was indeed waiting for James to come home.
"A friend...from Hong Kong."
She was pleased with that answer though in heart a fearful range govern. Just friends...though unhappy, she had to be gladdened with what she had admitted.
"Maybe he's a special friend..."
"Excuse me?..."she inquest.
"Must be special. I've seen you here since 10.00 o'clock and the flight does not arrive until 11.50"

Flora smiled. He noticed, she whispered. He noticed how much effort she had put up for James. She need not drive all the way to KLIA that morning. She only got to bed at 7.00 in the morning. Her eyes sagged with exhaustion. She stood up to take a glimpse at the screen again. Thai Silk. 11.50. TX405. Arrived.
She felt a rush as she read the words.

The night before, she had told Neil how excited she was, knowing that she was only hours away from James. Neil shared her agitation and thrill. Flora had little knowledge that Neil had set his hearts for her and only for her.
In pain he hid his feelings. She mustn't know...not now...he whispered. He turned around to see if Yasmin had arrived. The bar was crowded. She was nowhere to be found. Thank God. Yasmin was still furious over the discussion they had a few weeks back.
" I like Flora very much"
"But she's got a boyfriend!"
"So..."
"Neil, what the hell am I to YOU!"

Neil gazed at the angelic similitude of Flora. He muffled the clamorous pitch of the bar and silenced the utterances of fondness towards James that came from her. His mind set an image of her, blur with radiant perfection. He crave to linger of those long tresses of ebony. Only to know they could never be his.
"So...just four more hours. I'm so excited!...Neil..Neil...."

Flora glared at Neil with exploration. It was, in perfect truth, that Neil was in mind, millions away from civilization. A thought strike her. She smiled at the concept of how her deep yearn for James had ignited Neil's aspire for Yasmine.
"How come Yas's not around tonight?"
Still in awe, Neil only managed to give a faded smile.
"She out dinner with Anna. Bestfriends, you know how they are."

A tug from the child next to her brought Flora back to physical existence. Hurriedly her eyes examine the arrival corridors. He was nowhere to be seen. The idea that James did not make it hexed her. She breath in uneasiness. Then, her eyes caught a glimpse of a fatigued figure in a blue shirt. She could see clearly the bristles that sheath his chin and cheeks. Hugs exchanged. She had never felt his kiss on her forehead more warmer than before. He was back in her life.

The sea was more azure that morning. She had restrained the sounds enfolding her with the volume of the CD elevated until she could hear no more except for Steve Tylor's voice. Beyond the protection of her shades, Flora yield tears. James was asleep on the beach bench. His idea of getting away to this notable island in North Malaysia seemed blunt to her at first but was the finest way to savor what very little time she had with him. Brief not because he would be back in Hong Kong in six days time. Momentary because of what dark secret she held from him. Her time was running out. Her teardrops lead her to recollect those assertions she had heard a few months back. What was a usual medical exam, turn out to be her worst nightmare.
"Flora, I'm afraid we have some rather disturbing findings"
"Jeanne..."
"Your white blood count is higher than the rest."
Flora knew exactly what her doctor meant. The common flu that was on and off and the feelings of run-down was not something customary.
"How long do..."
"I'm here to save lives Flora..."

Her life changed with drastic impulsive. She felt tired easily and her mood swings became poor. She loathe the cytotoxic drugs that she would nudge in her system. She shivered at night when the air was warm.
She had once been happy. But Justin left her for another woman. For 4 years she had been by his side in devotion. Just a slight strenuous shift, made him omit her from his mind. She became more of a burden than a lover. In sore hostility, he waved his hand on her face, on her body eventhough he knew she was withering. He could not take the reality of her at death's door.
She abandon him because it was the right thing to do. Blaming herself. Justin was just psychologically stressed out. Wanting desperately to take control of the situation at every chance he could get. He failed because she felt she had failed him.
Without a man by her side, Flora picked up the pieces that were left of her life. Then, one night, James shifted her future.
The third night they were in the island, James shared a couple of drinks with Flora. It was romantic. She had been quite most of the time. They revisited the German restaurant because she enjoyed the Frozen Margarita. They walked along the beach back to the resort under the moonlight. Snug up together, they watched and listen to the music played in the resort's lounge. Flora had had too many. She started to cry.
"I'm leaving you James..."
They were not committed but her declaration puzzled him. He tried so hard to hold back the tears, as she poured out the details. She was drunk yet her sobs were clear. In his desperate attempt to understand to what end did she strongly demanded to leave him, he had labored her into revealing her dark secret.
"Even my parents don't know..."
He retained back the remorse for not having the strength to commit to her. The situation was complex as it is. Words left unspoken. In emasculate he enfolded her close to his heart as the plane left the airport the next day.
And as the crowds cheer to a new year, he watched her embraced by slumber, wearied by the curse that flowed through her veins. He granted a soft whisper to her ear...
"Happy New Year honey..."

a year after, at the same island

"I've written this to James" a fatigued hand lunge forward slowly a white envelope.
"When is he coming back."
"I didn't ask" she uttered with an ill-defined cough.
"Don't do this to him...it's unfair."
The bloodless figure faced the open sea turning her back against Rene.
"His heart never appeared to beat to the frantic rhythm as my own." she shouted from the water's edge. The sea water kissed her pale sickening toes.
"I cannot wait no more..." she whispered to the wind. The sensational bursting in her chest was now only a mere dormant beat. Like her soul, her heart for James withered.



later that week,

Neil could not hold back his tears. He wheeled the chair towards the view of the sea. He turn around and kneeled towards the figure in the chair.
"I have always loved you." he declared.
"It would have been short" the figure whispered in empty.
She handed him a photo, a memory, a strength she had once believed in.
"I could have loved you more than what he could ever give...he couldn't even say I love you.." Neil tried again in his desperate attempt to soothe her heart of the torment of James.
"I love him deeply..."she cried softly. "Yasmin needs you..."

in the intensive care unit...

The delicate hand held firmed to Rene's. She clasped it with the strength of wanting to sacrifice her own life...for Flora's.
"Don't leave me..." a soft whispered came from Rene's heart .
"Tell him...how...much...I miss...him..." the ill figure of Flora tried in vain to declare.
"You've been there for me for 8 years. How can I live without my soulmate?.."
"You're...the...best...of friend....and I...only..have..one friend" Flora tried to speak again. Rene gave a voiced weep and a river of tears gave gushing down form her eyes.
"I will...always love him...Rene.."
Her left hand unclasped the photo frame. As the glass covering shattered into pieces, so was Flora's life and heart. Captured by the immaculate love for James.

a week after
He stood puzzled seeing the glimpse of Rene. Frightened, his heart beat like a tram without breaks down a hill. The skies suddenly grew dark and the park gradually became empty as people decided to find shelter in case it poured.
Breathless Rene approached him.
"She only left this for you"
His long fingers shivered as he flipped the creased opening.

James,
I don't want to close my eyes.
I don't want to "fall asleep"
...coz I miss you
and I don't want to miss a thing

You're always in my heart.

Flora

A heavy thump stroke his heart.