DIARY of the
Teenage Soul
by Paige Brookes
(1,471 words)
January 1998
I sometimes wonder why we are all put here on Earth. All we do is terrorize and manipulate the beautiful world that was given to us. What was once a gift of life, is now filled with smoke and death. Dying animals and wild life, and devilish dictators gunning for World Domination. I just know another World War is going to break out. I know our free country will be destroyed. Everyone wants to stop the democracy here. But, no one gives a damn about the world they are killing. I wonder what the condition of the world will be in another 5-8 years.
When I am ready to bring in my own kids, will this be a safe place? Will they be able to ride their bikes up and down the street, or play basketball in on a clean court in the neighborhood? Will I even be able to let them out of the house? I am worried that these answers will be no. When I was younger, the world was safe. It still lived somewhat peacefully. It wasn't perfect by far, that is for sure. But, we were happier. I wonder how on earth we can stay this way.
I tried to express my feelings to my mother. She just ignores me. She says I'm worked up over nothing. And that all teenagers go through a denial stage. How is it that adults seem so blind these days? This is no 'denial stage'. I am realizing the truth my parents tried so hard to hide from me. I see what the world is really going through. I see what the people have done. Some people say I am childish for thinking this. But I wonder which is more childish, destroying a magical gift or realizing the truth?
I am getting very depressed over this. I know that we will not always have the wonderful thing we have now.
My depression is beginning to get the better of me. Everyday after school, I come home to loads of homework, chores, and criticism. My father has moved out after a month of secret drinking. My mother wanted to know why our money was disappearing. Of course, she blamed me. She claims that because I am depressed and obsessing about the world's troubles, I decided to steal. It's funny when you think about it. My mother and I used to be so close. We knew everything about each other, and carried on a good relationship. But, it was ok to have a close relationship with your mom when you were young. But at 16? I don't think so. My mother thinks I'm some possesst demon. I don't understand it! It isn't fair either.
At school, I am left out. I can't find anywhere to fit in. Neither can my friend Gracie. We are both misfits in the High School world. We both know what is happening to the world. We have so much in common, and we don't know what to do! Despite all of our attempts to make some sense of our conditions, we are still like Alicia Silverstone as Cher in Clueless. That is what we are, clueless. Clueless about our lives, clueless about our futures, clueless about where we belong. Where do I belong?
Over the past two months, I have seen many different things. I have seen deaths, lives, and most importantly, the truth. Gracie and I have began writing a book. It describes what is going on, and what is going on through a teenagers eyes. We hope to have it published in our school newspaper so everyone can see that it may be possible that we are normal indeed. It's funny. Before 10th grade, or even High School, I thought I was somewhat popular, and normal. But after 9th grade, I realized I wasn't. What is wrong with society?
After months of believing I would never find the love that I needed, I found someone. Someone wonderful. His name is Tristen. He is like a prince from a fairy tale. Tall, dark, and handsome. He is the captain of the football team to be exact! The captain of the Cheer leading squad, Danielle, was so jealous!! Tristen is so dreamy! He is tall, has dark brown hair, and these amazing sparkling, gentle blue eyes that I always seem to get lost in. He is quiet and serious, completely opposite of the other football players.
I asked him where he was earlier in my life. He just laughed and leaned over to give me a comforting, sweet filled hug.
"I wonder why God let me have his sweetest Angel," he whispered in my ear, and then he kissed me.
It was such a sweet, passionate kiss. I thought such a thing wasn't possible. Everyday now, I find a single rose waiting in my locker, after every period, along with a love letter. And today, I found an Angel necklace. I can't believe this is happening to me!
He wants to take me to the park tomorrow night. We're planning on a candlelit picnic, and just watch the stars all night. I can't wait. When I am with him, it's like I'm in a dream world. And Gracie doesn't like it. She says if it seems too good to be true, it usually is. So, we got into a big fight and haven't been talking for a few days. I have feeling she is probably right, but I want to see.
Last night was incredible! After a wonderful candlelit dinner, which Tristen prepared himself, we laid back to watch the stars and we talked for about three hours, with little interludes of passionate kisses. I thought he might be on a dare to try and score with me, but he isn't. I think he is really in love with me. And I know for sure that I am in love with him.
I feel dirty. That is all I can say. I guess I need to explain. Last night, Tristen and I had a small candlelit picnic for our one month anniversary. We went back to the park again, and it started out similar to our second date. But, instead of watching the stars, we packed up and drove out to the woods about a quarter of a mile from my house. I used to go there all the time. It was like my special place. I'd go there to think about all kinds of things, or to write.
Anyway, I led him to my special place, where you could still see the bright stars. He leaned over and kissed me. Before I knew it, he was laying on top of me, unbuttoning my shirt while kissing me. I reached for his shirt as well. Then, he was fumbling for my bra, and it came off. He kissed my neck, and began taking off the remainder of my clothes. Soon, I was only in my underwear, and he in his boxers. He kissed me with such passion while softly caressing every inch of my body. Then, he began to kiss me all over, and then...
After I got home, I felt bad. While I was with him, I didn't care. It felt good. He was so caring. But, now I feel filthy. And I have AIDS.
After that night, I went to the doctor for my physical. My mother forced me to go, she is such a pain! After I got my results, it showed I was HIV positive. When I got home, I cried my eyes out. How could Tristen?? I thought he loved me. But I was wrong.
I have gotten treatments, but I spit them out. My father doesn't care, I haven't even heard from him. My mother yells at me about how stupid I was at every minute, if she is crying in the bathroom, screaming out 'Why?!?!'. Gracie has come to visit me often. She finished our book, and it even got published. Not may people bought it, but those who did liked it a lot. I don't care anymore. About the world, about how it's dying, about my life, and especially about Tristen. I just don't care anymore.
I've been too sick to do anything over the past month. I know I will die soon. So, I figured I might as well prepare a will. Maybe later. I'm too sick to think about it right now.
To my mother and father, I leave nothing. To Gracie, I leave everything. She has been my only true friend. For that, she deserves everything.
X Gabby Thompson Witness X Nurse Stevenson
Good bye dying world. For I die before you, and am going to a better place.